This post is dedicated to those who suffer from the most heinous of conditions…one so putrid that it affects you and every person within a six foot radius of you…one that, if not promptly and effectively treated, will afford you a life of loneliness and incessant ridicule, most likely unbeknownst to you. This condition I speak of …is Halitosis! That’s right, bad breaf (yes, BREAF!)
I am aware that there are certain instances where having bad breath may be indicative of an illness such as a sinus infection, the flu, or constipation (don’t quote me on that one), or may be due to eating malodorous foods, or by some other temporary cause that can easily be resolved with gum or an Altoid. While the aforementioned symptoms are still unpleasant to the entire nasal cavity, they are not the problems to which I am referring. I am speaking of those people who contribute to air pollution on a daily basis…those with whom I cannot hold face-to-face conversations…those with whom I’d rather conduct business by telephone or through email…STOP THE MADNESS PLEASE!!!
If your breath singes the hairs in my nose and causes me to see spots in front of my eyes, then something is WRONG. If your breath still stinks after brushing your teeth, then SOMETHING is WRONG. If, no matter what time of day I speak to you, your breath STILL smells bad, then (say it with me nah) SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!
Example #1:
There is a guy in my building who I interact with quite frequently. [sidepocket] As I was writing this entry today at work, guess who shows up at my desk? Yep, the halitosis dude himself LMAO. I kept the convo short as to not risk losing consciousness (I need to invest in a gas mask for safety purposes). [/sidepocket] Now, this dude is an avid coffee drinker and I think he may also smoke, but I am not certain…but the coffee and possible cigarette(s) are not the cause of the problem. Oh, no…I think it just makes it worse. Anyhoo…I literally have to turn my head to the side if he is speaking to directly to my face. The smell causes me to lose my concentration…I think I’ve shed a couple of tears before. He’s an ok guy, but his breath forces me to avoid him as much as possible. Unfortunately, I’m not cool enough with him to tell him that his breath smells like poo.
Example #2:
Now with this guy, we were cool enough for me to let him know what’s up…we dated for a few months. We weren’t dating exclusively, so I really didn’t see him often, but, when I would see him, his breath smelled. At the time I just thought it was due to the fact that we met up during the evening (usually after work)…and, you know, sometimes our breath can be a little tart by the end of the day (I call it “All Day Breath”©)…so I just brushed it off. It wasn’t until conflicts in our evening schedules forced us to have lunch dates that I realized the truth. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! How could someone so FINE and SEXY and oh so FLY be a yukmouf?!? IT’S NOT FAIR, I tell ya! I was immediately turned off by this revelation. So, how did I break it to Mr. Fine Sexy and oh so Fly that his breath was clearing my sinuses in a bad way? I’m glad you asked 
Cuz the truth is…I didn’t…I couldn’t. I concocted several scenarios in my mind on how to break the news to him…but I chickened out every time. Lucky for me, our schedules were just too hectic and we just kinda lost touch with each other. Crisis averted…
So, if you or someone you know suffers from this dreadful condition that commits social homicide, here are some ways to combat this evil fiend called bad breath:
- Good…scratch that…GREAT dental hygiene – I heard someone say that plaque is like a bowel movement of the mouth…EWWWWWWWW! Brush after every meal. FLOSS! For the love of Haysoos, you need to FLOSS! Brush your tongue or get one of those nice little tongue scraper thingies.
- Healthy Eating Habits – Flush all that nasty crap out of your intestines. I know you’ve heard people say that bad breath can be linked to internal problems…
- Neutralize odors – I’ve never tried it, but I’ve heard that after eating a meal of particularly strong foods (garlic, onions, peppers, etc.) you should follow the meal with some parsley. I don’t know how much you should eat, but you can Google it or something (I’m not gonna do ALL the work for you).
As for how to let someone know that their breath can strip the paint off the side of an oceanliner…you’re on your own for that one…
Now that I’ve grossed myself out…I’m gonna go brush my teeth…
